Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
