I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
