if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
