Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
