You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
