I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
