what day is it and did you see me today?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
