I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
