I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
