I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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