I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i think my cat just said my name.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
