dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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