I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
