the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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