I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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