dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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