You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
