Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
