My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
