How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
