just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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