i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
