Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
