I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
