Betty ford says i'm here all night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
