This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
