1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
