I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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