I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
