Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
