I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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