3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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