I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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