how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
