Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
