You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
