I can tuck mytits in my pants
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
