She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
