I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
