i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
