There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
