tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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