are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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