My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
