Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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