my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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