i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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