Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
