I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
