Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
