She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Someone came in the potted fern
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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