new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
