Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
