I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
