If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
