where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
