my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize