I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
How's work?
Spinning.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
