Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
