Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
